How Screen Time Quietly Kills Desire in Long-Term Relationships

Feeling like your sex drive has disappeared in your long-term relationship? You’re not alone. Desire often changes over time—especially in a world full of digital distractions. The good news? You can bring it back. Here’s how.

What Causes Desire to Fade in Long-Term Relationships?

Desire fades for many reasons. One big reason is the love-hormone dip after the honeymoon phase ends. Feel-good chemicals from new love drop after about 90 days, and stress hormones go back to normal after 12–24 months. Lack of sleep, money stress, and boring routines also hurt desire. Too much screen time and feeling disconnected from your partner make it worse. But here’s what most people don’t know: you don’t have to feel “in the mood” right away. You can be curious about connection—and still say no if you don’t want sex.

Sex educator Emily Nagoski says, “desire emerges in response to pleasure”. That means you can set the stage instead of waiting for a spark. But many people think you must feel turned on first. They use this as a way to judge if their relationship is healthy. That’s why people sometimes leave when the spark fades—only to find it happens again.

The Role of Too Much Screen Time in Low Desire

Digital life doesn’t just eat up time—it takes over our bodies too. Phones or tablets before bed push bedtime later, cut sleep short, and lower sleep quality. All of this hurts sexual arousal and closeness. Constant scrolling makes your brain too busy while your body gets ignored.

Consent Reminder: Being present means checking in. If a partner reaches for your phone while you share feelings, it can feel like “Something else is more important than us.” You always have the right to say, “I’d like your full attention, please.”

Understanding Spontaneous vs. Responsive Desire

Spontaneous desire is feeling “in the mood” without any warm-up. Responsive desire is when interest builds after emotional or physical closeness starts. Most long-term couples—especially women—have more responsive desire. Dr. Lori Brotto’s research shows that mood, emotional connection, and stress all matter in women’s sexual response.

You don’t need to be instantly turned on to say “yes” to intimacy. You need to feel safe and connected enough to be curious. And you can stop at any point—consent is ongoing.

When Sex Feels Scheduled: Planning Isn’t the Problem

Many think planning intimacy kills the mood. Really, what kills desire is knowing exactly what will happen next. In my practice, it’s the quality of sex that matters, not how often.

Planned intimacy works best when:

• It’s something you both want, not something you have to do
• Both partners can say no without pressure
• There’s room for curiosity and change
• You’re not chasing a “goal” like orgasm or performance
• As Emily Nagoski says, “Pleasure is the measure”.

Consent Reminder: You can always change your mind—even during planned sex. A true “yes” means feeling free to say “no” at any time.

How to Rebuild Desire with Intention

Here are simple, proven steps to help responsive desire show up, with consent woven in:

1. Create phone-free time. Fifteen minutes a day without devices can rebuild intimacy. Use a mutual timer so both partners agree when it ends.
2. Use Yes/No/Maybe lists. Each partner lists what feels good, off-limits, or open to try. Share only what you feel comfortable sharing—you can skip any item.
3. Focus on connection, not performance. Intimacy is a conversation, not a test. If you feel unsure, pause and ask, “Is this still good for you?”
4. Accept different desire styles. Feeling turned on right away isn’t better—even if movies make it look that way.
5. Try something new together or apart. Doing new activities with a partner raises desire and relationship happiness. Check in afterward: “Tell me what you enjoyed”

For deeper work, explore the GETSOME desire hub.

FAQs: Keeping Desire Alive

Q: Is it normal to have different levels of desire in a relationship?
Yes. Most couples do. What matters is how you talk through the difference. This is teamwork, not pressure.

Q: Can too much screen time affect sex drive?
Yes. Screen time makes your brain too busy and your body less aware, which lowers arousal and connection.

Q: What if I never feel in the mood first?
You likely have responsive desire. This is completely normal. Consent means you can explore connection at your own pace.

Q: Does planning sex really help?
Yes, when it’s about creating space for connection—not obligation. A set time can feel safe and less stressful.

Q: When should we seek help?
If disconnection, shame, or avoidance continue despite trying, working with a sex therapist can help.

Takeaway: You’re Not Broken. You’re Wired for Connection.

Some people feel desire like a light switch. Others don’t. Both are normal. Desire doesn’t always roar. Sometimes it whispers. Sometimes it fades under stress, shame, or distraction. But it can return. Slowing down, putting away phones, and moving toward each other with intention—when both partners say yes—puts you on the bridge back.

Author: Michelle Fischler, MSW, RSW, RP, Certified Sex Therapist
Michelle helps couples work through desire, consent, performance, and emotional reconnection.

Note: This blog is for learning only. It doesn’t replace medical or therapy advice. If you’re struggling, please talk to a licensed healthcare provider.

Sources

• Nagoski, E. Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life. Simon & Schuster, 2015.
• Brotto, L. Better Sex Through Mindfulness: How Women Can Cultivate Desire. Greystone Books, 2018.
• Feldman, R., et al. (2012). Oxytocin during the initial stages of romantic attachment. Psychoneuroendocrinology, 37(8), 1277-1285. Full article
• McDaniel, B. T., & Drouin, M. (2019). Daily technology interruptions and emotional and relational well-being. Computers in Human Behavior, 99, 1–8. Full article
• AlShareef, S. M. (2022). The impact of bedtime technology use on sleep quality and excessive daytime sleepiness in adults. Sleep Science (São Paulo, SP ), 15(S 02), 318–327. Full article
• Muise, A., et al. (2019). Self-expanding activities promote desire and satisfaction in relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 116(2), 237-258. Full article
• Marazziti, D., et al. (1999). Brain chemistry changes in romantic love. Psychological Medicine, 29(3), 741-745.
• Mayo Clinic. (2024). Women’s sexual health: Talking about your sexual needs. Full article